


you've got my devotion

by Is_Olivia_even_a_person



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Lives, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Healing (Star Wars), Force Visions (Star Wars), Injury, Jedi Rey (Star Wars), Not Canon Compliant, POV Rey (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Protective Rey (Star Wars), Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug (Star Wars), The Force Ships It (Star Wars), What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:47:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27979101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Is_Olivia_even_a_person/pseuds/Is_Olivia_even_a_person
Summary: "Ben? What are you trying to tell me?“ she asks quietly, her heart beating fast."You were my light all along, I just wish I had realized it sooner."Or: Ben makes the right decision after Crait
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	you've got my devotion

**Author's Note:**

> just to make sure: mentions of blood and injuries at the end!!

Rey feels a familiar tug in the Force and she stops mid-way. _No. Not now._  
Not after what had happened only a few moments ago but the Force has no mercy with her.   
It shouldn’t be possible, Snoke had bridged their minds but their bond opens regardless.

Anger and pain are taking over her heart; their bond opening is another reminder that she had been wrong to trust him. That she had been wrong to held out hope for him. How much he had hurt her today. 

She is not ready when his emotions hit her with full force, intertwining and mingling with her own.   
They are all over the place, consuming their bond. 

Rage, pain and grief are suffocating her. All at once. Leaving her to gasp for air when a sharp pain hits her chest.   
Yet more importantly she feels his regret and loneliness.   
His blind rage from the battle field is gone leaving him behind shattered by regret and self hatred. He is hurting and she almost feels sorry for him. 

Rey slowly turns her head into his direction, not ready to face him yet after what they have been through just moments ago… after the hurt he had put her through today. 

He is crouching on the floor of the old Rebellion base they have just left behind.   
He hasn’t noticed their bond opening yet, his gaze is fixed on his gloved hands.   
She can’t make out what he is holding. She just knows it causes him pain. Finally his head snaps up and his eyes meet hers. 

His eyes are glistening with loneliness and sadness. Regret is written all over his face. He is still hurting from her rejectment earlier. He is still hurting from having face to his uncle on the battle field.   
Just some hours ago she would have given her life for him, now she tells herself to not feel sorry for him. 

Not to answer to his pleading face. Not to regret the decision she has made in Snoke's throne room. 

He is pleading for her to stay. Yet it is too late he has made his choice.   
He chose power instead of her, instead of them. 

Rey hears the faint call of her name and is ripped out of her trance.   
She swallows hard, her eyes meeting his one last time and she closes the door, shutting him out with a heavy heart. 

She rushes through Falcon to her friends and the other members of the Resistance who survived today. She tries to shove the thoughts about him away, but fails. 

She knows she can’t shut him out completely, their connection is too powerful.   
She still feels his presence pushing gently against her awareness. Snoke had lied and deep down she knew that she should have never believed him in the first place.   
It was just an empty claim for him to have an advantage over them yet it had meant his end… 

Their bond was something she still couldn’t comprehend completely... a connection so unique and so profound. 

Something that had always existed yet something entirely new. Only Ben could possibly understand. 

Traiterous tears escape her eyes while she turns the broken halfs of the lightsaber in her hands.They both have gone through so much hurt today, her heart aching when she thinks of their lost chance.   
She feels Leia’s warm hands taking hers and squeezing her gently, trying to comfort her and she gives her a weak smile. 

They have everything they need to rebuild the Resistance Leia tells her.   
Hope is not lost in the galaxy and in her heart as well. 

She knows this is not the end of their story. 

Rey keeps their bond closed the following days, staying true to her decision, her words.   
It’s hard keeping out the other half of such a powerful connection.   
It feels wrong; everything in her tells her that they should work together instead of opposing each other.   
Yet she can’t let him close again only for him to hurt her. She knows that one day they have to face each other again but she is not ready to think about it yet.   
Her pain goes deep and is not easily resolved. 

The Resistance has lost so much on Crait, but they would come back stronger than ever before. She would come back stronger than ever before when the time was right to face him again. She was sure of it. 

Rey is keeping herself busy during her day. The Resistance has been hopping from planet to planet until they finally had found their hiding place.   
She buries herself into work; deciphering the old Jedi books and training with her friends.   
At night, however, she lies awake, sleep is nowhere to be found and her mind keeps replaying every force connection and conversation they ever had. 

Tonight welcomes her another sleepless night. The Resistance base is asleep, not a sound is heard besides the sounds of the animals from the nearby jungle.   
Yet the last Jedi is awake turning in her bed before she finally surrenders to her body’s exhaustion. 

Rey opens her eyes. She knows she is dreaming, she must be. Just moments ago she was lying in her bed finding no sleep and now she finds herself lost in a vast, dark space. 

She knows he is here. She can feel him in the Force as clearly as never before, a sudden urgency to be close to him. 

She turns to face him and swallows hard when his tall figure comes closer. His dark eyes flicker to her and tell her about his pained heart yet anger is written on his face. 

"This can’t be happening.“ Rey whispers to herself.   
She has to face him in her dreams after shutting him out for days to keep herself from getting hurt again. 

"Stay out of my dreams!“ He yells, there is no venom in his voice just pain.   
His hands are curled into his fists and is shaking yet she knows that he won’t attack her. He is hurt and feels betrayed just like her. 

"Haven’t you caused me enough pain?! Stay out of my dreams.“ 

Rey tries to keep her voice from shaking but her emotions boil over.   
She is angry at him, angry at the path he has chosen instead of coming with her, angry at the cruelty of the Force for connecting them so profoundly yet everything else is keeping them apart. 

"We could have had a future together. I only saw the shape of it but solid and clear…“ her voice is shaking and her heart aches when he flinches at her hurt tone. 

"I saw us standing together against a panthom menace…I saw us on a green planet far far away from the war finding   
happiness together.   
We could have been together but you destroyed our future.“ 

She chokes, a sharp pain stabbing her chest reminding her that her vision will never come true…

"I didn’t destroy our future. I wanted it to be happen...“ he insists  
"That’s why I offered you my hand and you rejected me.“ 

Ben runs his hand through his hair, he is shaking and his voice loses its force until he is almost whispering. 

Suddenly their faceless surroundings change and they are back in the burning throne room right after their fight had ended. Sparks and flames are burning in the edge of her vision and she feels energy rushing through her like it did after they had won their fight together. 

When she had thought that he had turned only for her hope to be crushed in a wave of desperation.   
When he had pleaded for her to stay, hand outstretched and desperate eyes. How badly she had wanted to take his hand… 

Rey closes her eyes, desperately shoving these thoughts away, and shakes her head.   
"No, you didn’t offer me you hand. You offered me power. You didn’t want me… just what I could do for you.“

"No, I didn‘t. You chose the Resistance. You only wanted me to help them.“   
He sounds weak and hurt comes tumbling through their bond. 

Rey’s eyes snap open again, gone is the burning throne room instead she finds herself back in the hell that was her childhood. Jakku. 

Rey makes out her old home in the seemingly endless and desolated landscape. Heat hits her face and she sinks to her knees, sobbing because of old wounds bleeding in her chest again… 

She remembers the endless nights she had spend awake dreaming about her parents and waiting for them to return yet they never would.   
She remembers scratching a mark into the walls of her self-made home for every single day she had spent in loneliness. Desperation hits her and she can’t take it anymore.   
Tears are running down her cheek. 

"No one did ever choose me. I never was enough…not even for my own parents. Just once I thought somebody would….“ 

"But I did choose you… you didn‘t take my hand. Not once I was enough… my own parents sent me away, scared of a small child.“ He chokes. 

She feels his pain and loneliness washing over her, consuming her. The same kind of loneliness that she knows too well and makes her heart ache every single night. 

She had been wrong, they both had been wrong... they had been so caught up in their wistful yearning and dreams that they had just missed each other. 

"Ben.“ 

Rey reaches out for him while silent tears are running down her cheek. 

"Rey.“ 

Ben sobs and pulls her into his chest, his strong arms engulfing her completely.   
She nuzzles her head into his chest and cries silently.   
Being in his arms heals the wound in her chest and his comfort reaches her through their bond. 

_"I’m sorry.“_ A whisper through their bond. She can’t tell who has said it first, their feelings are intertwined like they belong to one soul. 

Suddenly his warmth vanishes and Rey falls into snow. He is gone just vanished under her fingers.   
Cold air makes every breath hurt and she gets up, already shivering and shaking.   
Disorientated Rey stumbles through the dark forest while glistening snow is dancing around her on a planet that’s sole purpose is to destroy… 

Rey finds him again as easily as breathing. The Force is guiding her to him like an invisible string. His dark figure appears and he turns towards her… 

His red lightsaber is ignited, bathing him and his surroundings in an eerily red light. He is in pain, not from the injury by Chewie’s shot but by the choice he has made on a small bridge, igniting his lightsaber instead of coming home.   
His soul split in two. There is no wound running down his face yet.

As soon as Ben sees her he rushes forward, his lightsaber falls to the ground with a clatter and his strong arms find her.   
He sinks on his knees, sobbing while she runs her hand through his soft hair spending him comfort. 

The snow fades around them and Rey is back on Ahch-To in a tiny hut on a lonely evening.   
Ben is sitting in front of her just like she remembers.   
Without a second thought she leaps into his arms and they just hold each other, listening to each other’s heartbeat while the Force is buzzing around, peaceful. Balanced. 

When Rey opens her eyes again she is back in the burning throne room.   
Ben is lying on the floor, still unconscious. Rey gets up and slowly makes her way to him.  
The last time she had feared that he would be dead, this time she knows he is not.   
She kneels next to him and gently pushes his hair out of his face. 

"I’m sorry“ she whispers into his ear and she leaves, knowing that their time will come. Not now but soon.   
Her gaze falls onto the broken halfs of the lightsaber and she takes them with her. 

Rey wakes with a start. Her mind is racing and her heart is beating fast against her ribcage.   
She sits up and buries her face in her hands. She reaches into the Force and is greeted by a peaceful buzzing… it’s late at night and no one disturbs its peace.   
Their bond still shut down by her but she feels his presence pushing against hers. 

Her mind wanders to their shared vison… The silent whisper of forgiveness and misunderstanding. He knows her like nobody else does. Their connection runs deep yet everything else is keeping them apart.   
She had finally found somebody who was going through intense loneliness like she has all her life just to have their chance of being together ripped away from her. 

Join me, he had asked, his hand outstretched. Reaching for her like in the lonely night on Ahch-To…reaching for the chance of a future together they had both seen in different versions. Their destinies inseparably intertwined. 

Stay with me, his silent pleads were loud in her head. Only she could understand him. 

The suffocating loneliness that is eating their hearts.   
We don’t have to be alone anymore his pleading eyes had told her, we can be together instead just like he had promised her. 

It had taken every ounce of willpower not to take his hand. Not to reach out and satisfy her yearning to belong.   
Because she desperately craved it. Because she had wanted him so bad. 

He wasn’t ready to bid farewell to this life yet. Like she had been afraid to let go of waiting for her parents that will never come back.   
He didn’t know to let go of the darkness in his heart and mind yet. Still caught in the demons and lies that plagued him since his birth.   
Only now freed from the Snoke’s grasp he didn’t know what he wanted yet. 

Rey desperately wanted to help him, show him the way back to the light in him that was still shining so brightly. 

She couldn’t do it for him, it was his decision to made. 

She would wait, she knew all about waiting. 

_____

It’s late at night when their bond opens again after days of silence since their shared dream.   
Rey feels a familiar tug in the peaceful buzzing of the Force and seconds later rain is pouring down on her.   
She gasps when cold air hits her, giving her goosebumps and making her shiver within seconds.   
She turns away from the ancient languages of the Jedi books, braving herself for what she will find. 

Usually when their bond connects them she can’t see his surroundings, just him. Yet tonight she stumbles into his world. 

Rain is lashing down relentlessly and darkness engulfs her. She can’t make out her surroundings, only grey shadows of trees, distorted by the nightly storm.   
Rey brings up her hands to shield her eyes from the rain. Disorientated she stumbles towards his force signature burning brightly in the Force. It‘s guiding her through the darkness, calling to her with a sudden urgency. 

A lightning strike illuminates the darkness and her gaze falls to onto him, a dark figure in the night, crouching on the floor. Hurt. Bleeding.   
A sharp pain in her chest makes her choke and   
sudden fear washes over her. 

"Ben!“ 

Rey rushes forward, all her caution and hurt forgotten, only her worries about him on her mind. She kneels next to him and gently reaches out for his shoulder.   
His head snaps to her, his eyes widen in fear. As soon as he recognizes her his face turns into relief. 

"Rey, I’m sorry. I’m so-“ his voice breaks. He is panting from exhaustion. His clothes and hair are soaking wet and his face is contorted in pain. 

"What happened? Where are you?“ Rey tries to keep her voice from shaking but can’t.   
She feels his pain through their bond, suffocating her. His face is bruised, blue marks and fresh wounds are running all over his face.   
Her gaze trails down his bloody and torn clothes. Only now she notices the still bleeding wound on the right side of his belly with shock. 

"What happened?!“ She shrieks and reaches out to push shreds of his clothes to the side. Warm blood spills around her fingers and mixes with the heavy rain.   
The wound is deep. Too deep. Ben’s eyes are closed in pain. He groans and presses his hand against his wound to stop the bloodstream. 

"Ben, what happened? Talk to me please.“ Her voice breaks.   
Tears are forming in her eyes.   
She can’t tell anymore whether it is from the pain that reaches her through their bond or from the fear of losing him. 

She just knows she can’t lose him tonight here in the middle of nowhere. Not when there still was so much to say...   
The thought of living in a galaxy without their bond, without him is unbearable… already after such a short time since their destinies have crossed each other’s way. 

"Hux tried to kill me“ Ben manages to tell her through gritted teeth. "I fled from the First Order.“   
Rey nods but barely registers his words. Her mind is a haze of panic and pain.   
She knows he is close to dying with how much blood he is losing. She can feel him growing weaker through their bond with every passing moment.

Rey doesn’t realize she is sobbing until she hear him say her name.   
"Rey, don’t panic. Please.“ His pleading yet strained tone breaks her out of her trance. Her eyes flicker to his pale face and she tells herself to calm down. For his sake. 

"I know what I have to do“ she tells him, keeping her voice steady. 

Rey slowly reaches out, gently putting her hand next to his wound and does the only thing that is on her mind right now. She heals him. 

Her eyes are closed in concentration. She reaches into the Force, unsure if she is able to help him having only read about it the Jedi texts she has stolen from Luke but she won’t give up. Not now. 

She gasps in surprise when she feels the Force gushing through her with an intensity she has never felt before. She doesn’t know how much time passes.   
She pours everything she has into him. 

Rey feels his pain easing slowly and his breaths steadying. Yet she doesn’t dare to stop now fearing that it wasn’t enough. 

Suddenly his warm hand finds hers and he squeezes her gently.   
"You healed me“ Ben breathes in awe. 

Her eyes fly open and meet his. His amazement is palpable in his dark eyes She nods, speechless that it worked.   
One quick glance tells her that his wound is fully healed, his new skin is rosy like nothing had happened at all.   
Only his bloody and torn clothes are proof for the fight he had put up during his escape. 

Rey hesitates for a second before she scoots closer and gently grabs his face to lean against his forehead, tears of relief and happiness are silently running down her already wet cheeks.

"You’re alive. I thought I would lose you.“ 

"You healed me“ he repeats in awe, pushing her a wet strand of hair behind her ear. „I don’t even know what for.“

Rey’s heart aches. "You left the First Order. Why?“ She asks quietly, her eyes running over his face, desperate to memorize every mole and tiny imperfection. She had almost lost him tonight.

Ben nods slowly. "Hux raised a mutiny against me. He set a trap and almost succeeded in killing me. I fled with my ship, but he was hellbent on finding me. I barely escaped tonight and got shot.“ 

Ben falls quiet for a moment, speaking is still exhausting even after his injury is fully healed. 

"It was not the only reason.“ Rey tilts her head waiting for him to continue. "I would have left anyway. For you.“ 

"Me?“ she breathes. He nods slowly, uncertainty flickers through their bond. 

"You were right. When Snoke was gone… the voices finally left my head. It was probably hin all along. It was finally quiet for the first time since I could remember. I could finally see through his lies.“ 

"Ben? What are you trying to tell me?“ she asks quietly, her heart beating fast. 

"You were my light all along, I just wish I had realized it sooner.“ 

His eyes meet hers, glistening with love and sadness. She smiles and slowly reaches out, tracing the skin where his scar should have been.   
She has healed it as well she realizes. He breaks into a big, toothy smile. 

"Oh, Ben“ Rey leaps forward and crushes him into a hug. His arms fly around her and pull her close.   
They fall backwards into the wet soil with a loud groan that turns into laughter.   
She nuzzles her head into his warm chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. They stay in their embrace, none of them daring to let go of each other. She doesn’t know how much time has passed when she feels a change in the Force. 

"Where are you?“ She asks urgently, she can feel their force connection fading already. 

"Batuu.“ 

"I’m coming. Stay safe“ she promises right before their force connection fades and he is gone. 

She is back in her dry and warm room on Ajan Kloss. She wipes her wet hair out of her face and remains on the floor for a moment, gathering her thoughts and her chest swells with pride.   
Ben had come back for her when she had needed him the most. Just like she always knew he would. 

The promise of a future together with the one was so profoundly connected to is finally within their reach. She would have never given up her hope for him no matter how much time he had needed to find back to the light, to her. 

Without a second thought Rey gets up and rushes to the Falcon. The Resistance base is fast asleep and nobody notices when the last Jedi leaves in the gray of the night to save the other half of her soul. 

She would come back with a promise of love and new found hope that peace would reign again in the galaxy... that forgiveness will win instead of hate.

**Author's Note:**

> Tros who?   
> inspired by some artwork ✨


End file.
